Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Ugh

That pretty much sums up the last 2 weeks. It's been one doctor appointment after another... and I'm still not well. Being well is so relative though. I'm very well considering the large amount of ailments and maladies that people live with every day. But, for my own sake and sanity, I'm incredibly uncomfortable most of the time and I'm really ready to learn the lesson and move on. I've been reading, praying and talking to people nonstop about all of this and I'm tired. Exhausted is really the word; emotionally and physically. I told someone today that I keep it together pretty well during the day and then have an average of one breakdown per night, complete with sobbing. I'm not only uncomfortable but I'm a baby. I just want to be taken care of and I want to feel better. I'm so used to being the care-giver not the care-taker and it's a different role. One that I'm not totally comfortable with. I feel like if I lean on others too much, they will get sick of it and then when I really need help, they won't have anything left to give. Is that crazy? Then, I think that if the tables were turned and Gabe (or anyone else that I love dearly) needed me, I would be there. I wouldn't hesistate and if they were dealing with a medical mystery I wouldn't have a time limit in mind of just how long I'd be available for help. It's ridiculous.

Today I decided to just be positive with my thoughts about whatever is going on within my body. That seemed to work because I did have peace for a while and the belief that God is in control and I'm surrendered (okay surrendering would be more true). The lesson has to be 'letting go' which is the #1 thing I'm not good at. Makes sense for me to try to learn it now...

2 comments:

Laura said...

:( I hope that things get better for you! I like your attitude of thinking positive. I'm sure things will turn around and in the end you'll learn whatever you needed to get through this and use it for things that might come up in the future. :)

Siobhan said...

I'm glad you're seeing your way through the fog of unpleasantness. I'm sure it has to be wearying on your soul to be consumed by all those thoughts when all you would like to do is hang out with your girls and relax. You sound upbeat though and so I hope that you're nearly there. The end is in sight-fingers crossed :) One thing you will learn, and are,is that people are there for you, so never feel afraid of asking. As you said at some time or another the roles could be reversed and you wouldn't hesitate to be there for them. I'm here for you so...Looking forward to seeing you tomorrow. Are you still steering clear of caffeine and if so what's your poison of choice these days? ;)