Verge

That's where I'm at; the Verge. The fact that I attempt to manage it all so effortlessly is not working. It takes a great deal of effort to keep things going and for the past few days (probably longer if you ask Gabe) I've begun to feel frustrated. Or maybe it's impatience that I feel. Probably a bit of both. See this is the week. The one week anniversary of when our lives changed. They say that relapsing around the one year anniversary is high for some reason and I suppose that goes for spouses in recovery as well. Relapse. Right back to all my old ways. The irritable, deep sighing, bone tired me. The me that I don't like at all. That's tough to admit. To say out loud that I don't like me. I'm really struggling with this right now. Can't seem to turn my mind off of the way I want to be vs. the way I really am. And, don't get me wrong-perfection is not what I'm seeking. But a sort of manageability would be nice. It just goes to show you that recovery is HARD. That whole "no one said it was going to be easy" line comes to mind. It's hard because change is tough and it ain't instant; it's takes a while and clearly longer than one year. So, here I am a year later and while I'm sure those around me could name ways I've changed, it's hard for me to see it myself. And, I don't even think that I'm that critical of me! Who knows... Regardless, that's where I am. The Verge of figuring stuff out while learning that there's so much more to know. The knowing that I'm too hard on myself but still expecting to be better. The beginning of another year of sobriety and all that it will entail. Our wedding anniversary is next week so in a lot of ways it's the beginning of another year of marriage too; and if we can make it through what we've already conquered, I'd say we'll be just fine.

Time flies

Well, we've already been here for 6 days and it is flying by. I knew it would be this way. I always want the days to feel long and the nights short so that I get more "awake" time being here. As I sit here and type this, my view is amazing. I'm looking out onto a quiet country road with green everywhere I look. The grass, plants and the tall-growingl Redwoods surround us here. Being with family has been awesome. Watching my Mom with my Maddie is unlike any relationship I've ever observed. They are connected. The way you want your kids to be with your mom; a dream come true. Tomorrow morning we'll wake up and be off to spend time at my Dad's house. I'll be sad to leave this place; I always am. I'm storing up the memories to get me through until we come back in July...

Practice makes Perfect

Dentist: Madeline
Patient: Mommy

That's Maddie and I "practicing" for her to go to the dentist yesterday. I explained to her that he was going to look at her teeth and count them. Then, he'd give her some stickers. She thought it sounded good, but wanted to practice with my teeth. After I took this picture, she said the dentist would check my "eyes, ears, nose, and eyebrows." I told her I'd never heard of a dentist checking eyebrows, and she just giggled. Pretty cute. So, today Gabe took her to the dentist for 3 reasons. #1, it's his childhood dentist and he wanted to stroll down memory lane. #2, Grace had her 6 month check up scheduled at the same time. #3, I knew she'd scream and activities that cause her to scream are deemed Daddy Duty in our house. The report is that she did cry, but she let him count, clean and fluoride treat her teeth. No cavities (yay!) and she needs to floss more (gets ya every time). Also, her top teeth are pushing out a bit because she sucks her fingers-no surprise there. She comes from a mother who had braces TWO TIMES and sucked her thumb until she was 9. There you have it. As Gabe took Maddie, I took Grace for her appointment, which of course included shots. Many shots. And an oral vaccine. That's another thing that people neglect to tell you when you're having a baby. How awful it is every 3 months of their first year of life going to the dr. and injecting them what seems a bazillion times. Grace recovers well though. Usually smiling by the time we get off the elevator and walk through the parking lot. So, we're really just on the countdown to California now. We leave day after tomorrow and the packing has officially begun. Not feeling stressed about first time flying with 2 kids... yet. Grace is at a good age because she isn't crawling or walking, so she's usually pretty content in her car seat. Maddie will be entertained by her DVD player, crayons, snacks and few "surprises" I always bring to keep her occupied. Off to run errands and looking forward to a night where neither Gabe nor I have a meeting to go to! Just some time together.

Gracie (6 months old)

Silly Gracie