Sisters

I catch glimpses of it all the time; she wants to be just like her. She follows closely, watches her even closer and I can see it in her eyes; she longs to be her best friend. When I knew that I was having two girls, I couldn't have been happier. Everyone assumes I want a boy, but to be honest, I really wanted sisters. To me, it's one of the most special bonds I have. So, I continue to watch them. I watch to make sure that Grace's feelings don't get hurt (too often) and that Maddie seeks to include her sister when she can. I try to help them cultivate a relationship that will carry them through some great times and some hard ones in their futures. I'm trying to teach them to watch out for one another, to rely on each other and most of all to trust each other. It's fun to watch and also a big responsibility. But, luckily, I feel up to the challenge!

Halloween

I meant to get these online about 2 weeks ago, but as you've seen, I'm slacking lately. So, here's a few of the highlights with the girls. We had a blast and even today Maddie still wants to say "Happy Halloween." Enjoy :)

Oh my word..

Where have I been??? It feels like forever since I last blogged and uh, it has been. Life has been pretty busy (whose isn't?) and there are so many times I think of a blog topic and then cannot find time to do it. To cut myself some slack, I do have a lot on my plate right now and prioritizing-wise, blogging falls to the bottom of that list. I have Maddie off at school right now, the house is cleaned (thank you Maid Brigade), and Grace is supposedly napping. I say supposedly because as I type, I hear her little fingers on her doorknob (she can reach it from her crib) trying desperately to turn it. But, she isn't crying. She's just doing her thing. Gabe and Maddie leave tomorrow for the weekend to go do some Dog Showing in MD. They started this tradition last year when Grace was only 8 weeks old and I just wanted to stay here and sleep whenever she did (you know, like a new mom of only 1 baby can do?). So, this year they are off again and it will be just me, Grace Face, and the dogs. Here's the funny thing. I do not know what I will eat while Gabe is gone. Now don't get me wrong. I am fantastic at Taco Night (in fact that's the meal du jour :) but Gabe seriously feeds me every night. I shop, he cooks. It's been that way since we first met. It's awesome! So, in trying to prepare for him to be gone, I just went to the store to get the staples that will get me through til' Sunday afternoon: a whole lotta milk, boxes of cereal and of course a frozen pizza. Based on my food choices a thought just occurred to me: am I a 31 year old mother of two or a 19 year old frat guy? Tough call :)

Awesome...

On Monday afternoons I have some where to be; group. So, it is one of the weekdays where I try to pay a little attention to my appearance since I will be in the midst of a roomful of adults. So, I spent today in comfy clothes and just a few minutes ago changed to be a little more...presentable. I touched up some makeup, put my shoes on and went to brush my teeth. Feeling good and looking good. Just as I was ready to head out the door, I glanced at something in my hair. What is that? I thought to myself... Only to realize it's graham crackers caked into my hair with what I'm sure at one point was Grace's saliva. It made me laugh because no matter how hard I try to not look quite so mommy-like, I'm a mom from my hair down to my converse that Grace puked on last week. Awesome.

Busy

There has been great reason to slack on blogging and that's been busyness... Maddie turned 3, had a party to plan, bible study, starting a church Mom's group, Gianna is visiting, Grace has been sick, etc... You get the picture. I'm having major guilt that I didn't pen a birthday blog to Maddie, but that is still coming; just a little belated. Most of you who read this either went to Maddie's party, or have been emailed the pictures. In case you haven't I'll include a link to the pic's here.
It was such a great day...hopefully one that she'll remember. If not, Lord knows we took plenty of pictures!

dreams

If it was my dream to have, what would it look like?
Where would I live, what would I do with my time, how would I earn a paycheck?
Trying to balance those I hold dearest to my heart,
With the dreams that tug at my heartstrings; daily.
Some days it all feels possible,
What a dream it would be if it was all mine.

18 months

Today is an important day around our house; Gabe has 18 months. Some may think that has flown by while others may think it feels like it's been longer; it's a bit of both. No matter how I look at it though, I'm amazed. There is serious perseverance at work here and I'm grateful. It isn't easy to get to where he is, but it's possible. It is definitely possible.

First Day of School Pictures :)

First Week of School

The week that was much anticipated has come and gone; Maddie finished her first week of school. At her age, she doesn't get those anxious butterflies that I remember so well; both as a student and later as a teacher. She only feels excited. And why wouldn't she be? Her day consists of circle time, potty breaks, outside play, snacks, lunch, music and movement. Sounds pretty awesome if you ask me. I dressed her on Tuesday and then took the obligatory picture in front of the front door. This tradition has been in my family for as long as I can remember and last year I didn't quite get that photo, as I was in the hospital giving birth! So, this year, we have the picture and the memory.

On a different note, I've been spending this week worried/obsessing about the flu shot. It's such a nightmare for me because of all the sicknesses we've been through with Maddie. Not to mention that because of her asthma, she is considered high-risk. So, there seems to be no choice. This morning we have appointments to get both her and I the flu shot. I figure I have to get it because I don't really want to put something in her body that I wouldn't put in mine. Grace has a yucky, runny nose, so I plan to postpone her shot until she's well. Even if it's just a teething runny nose, I'm not taking my chances.

I had some real fun this week too. Siobhan and I made a date and went out to the movies; just us! We are always together with at least 4 kids in tow and it was nice to be without the baggage :) We saw "Julie & Julia" and it was the best! Makes me want to cook up a storm. I'll let you all know if/when that happens. The other fun thing was last night. Sandy offered to take the girls for a couple of hours after their naps (my least favorite time of day; hard to entertain as I've done it the whole day long at that point). Gabe and I got to eat a peaceful dinner without an Elmo serenade in the background. Then we headed off to the driving range. Yup, the driving range. Now, you're probably wondering how I possibly had fun there, but I did. You see, it's a range where there's a seat right behind the golfer. The breeze was blowing and sun was setting and I had my book with me. I just sat and read and enjoyed looking up to see Gabe doing something he loves. It was peaceful. It was awesome.

All in all, it's been a good week. Starting to really feel better physically and trying to be present and grateful for all the little things.

Some thoughts

Oh, there are so many thoughts I've been having lately. The fact is that our thoughts can really affect our lives and so mine have got to get under control and stop being so....awful. That's the truth. In the midst of this health issue that I have, I'm finding that I'm not as "strong" as I once believed myself to be. What I mean is that I don't have to be. I'm allowing myself to be a little more needy; of my husband, family and friends. It's hard for me. Hard for me to need help, or extra time to get tasks done that I did so effortlessly a few weeks ago. Because I believe that what you think will come to pass, I've decided my thinking needs to be along the lines of being healthy; fully back to normal. I believe this can happen; not only that, but that it will happen.

To help myself, yesterday I suggested a family walk in a wooded natural park. It was amazing. It felt like I hadn't been out of the house in forever and I needed all that green, and peace, and quiet. It was magical. We walked and walked until we got to the boardwalk. In the midst of that fresh air I found myself hopeful. Like I knew that I will feel better at some point. That's where I want to keep my head today; in a place of hopefulness and gratitude for all that I do have. Grateful for the walk I had yesterday and the one I will take today...

Happy 1st Birthday!

Dear Gracie,
Today you turn 1 and it's hard to believe. You are such a joy and a blessing to our little family. Last year on this day I was so anxious and excited to meet you; I had no idea who you'd turn out to be. Today you are extremely happy; that is the first thing people notice/say about you. You say "mama" all the time and do not like me to leave the room. You sleep A LOT! Your Uncle Dan thinks this is funny. You can walk and you do it pretty fast; it almost looks like you're floating. In the mornings, we can hear you in your crib trying to touch the doorknob and we inevitably hear your sister telling you "open the door Grace Face." Your Daddy and I always laugh at this! You love water! You are enamored with sippy cups and you love to drink them dry. You have tried yogurt and oatmeal for the first time in the last 2 days and you've enjoyed them both. In fact, today you smell like maple & brown sugar from breakfast when you put oatmeal in your left ear :) So messy but it made you so happy. That's what I want to teach you; that your messes in life can be your greatest joys; Don't be afraid to dig in. I love you more than I ever knew would be possible. Happy Birthday my sweet, baby Grace.

Ugh

That pretty much sums up the last 2 weeks. It's been one doctor appointment after another... and I'm still not well. Being well is so relative though. I'm very well considering the large amount of ailments and maladies that people live with every day. But, for my own sake and sanity, I'm incredibly uncomfortable most of the time and I'm really ready to learn the lesson and move on. I've been reading, praying and talking to people nonstop about all of this and I'm tired. Exhausted is really the word; emotionally and physically. I told someone today that I keep it together pretty well during the day and then have an average of one breakdown per night, complete with sobbing. I'm not only uncomfortable but I'm a baby. I just want to be taken care of and I want to feel better. I'm so used to being the care-giver not the care-taker and it's a different role. One that I'm not totally comfortable with. I feel like if I lean on others too much, they will get sick of it and then when I really need help, they won't have anything left to give. Is that crazy? Then, I think that if the tables were turned and Gabe (or anyone else that I love dearly) needed me, I would be there. I wouldn't hesistate and if they were dealing with a medical mystery I wouldn't have a time limit in mind of just how long I'd be available for help. It's ridiculous.

Today I decided to just be positive with my thoughts about whatever is going on within my body. That seemed to work because I did have peace for a while and the belief that God is in control and I'm surrendered (okay surrendering would be more true). The lesson has to be 'letting go' which is the #1 thing I'm not good at. Makes sense for me to try to learn it now...

Sick

I haven't blogged in over a week and that's due to several factors. My mom is here :), Gabe and I went to NYC for 2 nights, and I've been sick. So, because I'm still getting better I'm going to postpone blogging until I feel better. Probably a day or two...

Grace

Gracie turned 11 months over the weekend and it blew my mind. Where has the time gone? Seriously. This is that whole thing that people (the generation before us) warn us about...they say cliche things like "it goes in the blink of an eye" or "one day they're in diapers and the next you're walking them down the aisle." And we grown, sort of roll our eyes and promise to capture each moment in a snapshot so that it doesn't feel that way.

So, here we are. The month before we pass the exiting babyhood, welcome to toddler hood sign on the freeway of life. Ugh. I'm not ready for this...but I am. When I first had her, I couldn't wait for her to grow up. I had all these fantasies of her and Maddie playing together, talking for hours in their room, confiding in one another. While I still continue to hold onto these grandeur's of illusion, I'm confounded by the fact that they are fast approaching; like, too fast. I not only want her to still want me, but I need her to. She's my baby. Her name has been "baby Grace" from the beginning. "Toddler Grace" doesn't have the same ring to it.

Because I want to remember her exactly as she is now, here are some facts about my little girl. Gracie, at 11 months you:

• are one of the lights of my life; I cannot wait to hold you each morning
• can practically walk; maybe 4 or 5 steps in a row, but they are fast steps. You have a lot of momentum
• say "ba ba ba ba..." all the time. You can say "mama" "dada" and "bubba" too.
• smile all the time and your 2 little bottom teeth show which cracks me up! Those are the only teeth you have now.
• love animals; especially dogs (no surprise there) and often get into their crates (just like your big sister did)
• want to eat real food now more than baby food
• suck the same 2 fingers as your sister and have a favorite "nigh-nigh."
• LOVE water; dog bowl water, bathtub water, pool water, sippy cup water...you love it all.
• have dirty diapers that can clear a room; we call you "toxic" from time to time :)
• get red eyelids when you're tired; it's a tell-tale sign. You get that from me.
• are a mommy's girl through and through. This was predicted by your Nonnie when you were 3 days old and has turned out to be very true.
• make me feel loved

Happy 11 months Gracie girl!

From Sorrow to Joy

A friend of mine confided in me that her husband was going to attend his first meeting last night. I was thrilled for them.

See, when Gabe first started going to meetings, I had no idea the miracles that would soon follow. I thought it was a life sentence; a change that he would have to make but one that wouldn't affect me too much. Well, I was totally wrong and I'm so thankful for that!

Yesterday I decided I needed to pray for this couple and especially this man who was about to start on the journey that is recovery. As I prayed, I began to cry. I was immediately taken back to that April night when Gabe came clean (pun intended). I remembered how scared, alone, angry and embarrassed I felt. I remembered thinking that my marriage was over and that I would now be having this baby on my own (I was 5 months pregnant with Grace). Then, I remember having a feeling that I would be okay; that we would be okay. I can't explain the sense of calm that I had. I felt that my love for Gabe was stronger than addiction and I was willing if he was.

The next few months after that night were a whirlwind of meetings, sponsorship, church services, doctor appointments...etc. It hit me as I was praying yesterday that I've lived and seen a miracle occur in front of my eyes. I've watched a man come to sobriety and in turn, come to God. The fact that he has stayed sober for 16 months now is no accident. It's hard work. It takes a lot of time and I firmly believe it takes God. No person is strong enough on their own. So, yesterday I was realizing how completely grateful I am and how much I take Gabe's sobriety for granted. He makes it look so easy when at times it has been so hard. I'm amazed by him, but also by God. Looking back on that night and all that I thought I had lost was really just the introduction to all that I would gain.

"...to Him be the glory..." Ephesians 3:21

Appearances

I give this topic a lot of thought; probably more than is necessary. Not so much my personal outward appearance, but more the thought of what me, my family, my home, my life look like to the outside world. Now, some would stop me there and say "Who cares what people think?" And, to that I would agree. I'm not sure I care (in terms of how they judge it) but more I'd love to know just what they see. This is on my mind because I've recently made a new friend and she's awesome. She's from church and what comes across to me about her is her ability to be totally authentic. She's one of those real people. By real I mean open, honest, easy to talk to, kind... Here's the thing; that got me thinking about how real I am (if I am) and how that comes across to people who are getting to know me. Everyone of us "adults" puts on a facade to try and hide behind so that no one gets too close. From the clothes we wear (and the importance we place on them), to the car we drive, etc. To me, both of the aforementioned are only nominally important. I do really try to live a life that is real and imperfect and faithful. I wonder how that comes across? Does anyone ever think like this and if so, how do you think you come across?

Friday 8:52am

Baby Pool Party

Here are a few pictures from the very successful Baby Pool Party yesterday afternoon. The girls had a blast and visiting with the puppies was awesome too! The puppy that Gabe is holding is Olivia. She is the biggest one of the bunch! Enjoy :)

Weekend

Just realized it's been a long time since I signed in and blogged. So, things around here are generally the same. Grace is really working on walking and part of that means that she keeps waking around 11pm to "visit" Gabe and I and practice her bipedal skills. Good thing we are still up at that time, so it's really no big deal. Maddie is working on her potty skills. Sometimes successful, often not. But, trying nonetheless and in turn we're trying to keep that in perspective.
No real plans for the weekend. Maybe having Gabe's cousin and girlfriend for brunch on Sunday after church (Gabe's already planning the menu :) Maybe some swimming, grilling, etc. I had so dreaded summer and now that we are in the middle of it, I've realized that not only has it flown by, but I'm enjoying it. Being with my girls and watching them grow up before my eyes is pretty special. Sometimes it feels mundane, the day in day out stuff, but if I take the time to reflect on what I'm really doing, I remember that it's amazing. Not me, but the service of raising & guiding little girls. I'm so thankful that I can do it...

Motherhood

You never know what kind of mom you're going to be until you have a baby. You can dream, idealize, and even ponder what motherhood will be like, but you cannot really know. I knew that because I had been a teacher who really believed in boundaries and discipline, I would probably want to parent that way. Because of that background, disciplining has come pretty naturally to me. I've read several books, blogs and articles on the subject and when Maddie came into the world, I felt I had a good grasp on the kind of mom I was going to be. But now she is 2 and a half; actually more like 2 and three fourths and the ways in which I think about parenting her have changed. It doesn't have to do with her age as much as it has to do with the fact that she now has a 10 month old sister in the mix (Happy 10 month birthday to Grace yesterday!). You see, we had one of those mornings. You know the type. Where it feels like the day has been sooooooo long and you look to see that it's only 8:14am. Where you wish that coffee were injectable because it would be a fast shot of caffeine to your system. Where the only toy that each wants is the one the other was playing with so happily before it was snatched out of their hands. That's the day I'm speaking of. This morning we had an incident. The short version is that Maddie was annoyed (her fav mood these days) at Grace for following her up the stairs. Grace was on the 4th step, Maddie was at the top telling me to "get Gracie Mommy." As I was walking to get Grace, Maddie came bouncing down the stairs, placed her hand squarely on Grace's forehead and with a small amount of force proceeded to push Grace down the stairs. First things first. Grace was fine. Didn't even cry, landed rather Gracefully (excuse the pun) and was content to be in my arms. Maddie looked shocked, and fearful at the same time. Me? My blood was boiling. If you are a mom, you know the feeling. My first instinct was to put her in a time out, in her crib, in her room with the door closed. So, that's what I did. Let's just say that I put her in her crib with a little bit of force (was trying to be unemotional but felt very EMOTIONAL). I then went to call Gabe. I asked him what to do. I told him that even though we have chosen not to spank our kids, this was one of those times where I thought a spanking was in order. We agreed on her punishment (left her in there for a while, had her apologize to Grace, kept her nigh-nigh from her for a while until she could treat her sister nicely) and I calmed down. It was that mother bear instinct that came up. The one where you protect your young from anything...even your other young.
The point here is that before I was a mom of course I thought about spanking. Would I do it? It had been done to me and I turned out fine. Was there another way to discipline? Etc. I've come to believe that not only is motherhood/parenting individual, it's also fluid. It can change depending on the circumstances. I have to say that I'm proud that I didn't spank Maddie today. There I was trying to teach her to love, to be kind and gentle to her sister; how would that translate if I taught her that by hitting her? Doesn't make sense. So, in all the reason I kept my head was because of God and because of the fact that I've given this some thought ahead of time. I'm grateful that no one was hurt this morning (both physically or emotionally). Motherhood is tricky, but if you do your best I believe there will be great rewards.