MJ at 6 months!!!

IMG 0940 from Sarah Mejias on Vimeo.

I need to write today.  This overwhelming feeling of sadness and grief over the Sandy Hook Elementary School shootings has really gotten to me.  I feel depressed.

The thoughts keep returning; every time I look at Maddie.  She is 6 years old.  She is in Kindergarten.  She went to school Friday, with excitement and joy.  It breaks my heart that there are mothers right now who can no longer say "Good Morning" to their children.  I cannot fathom it.

So, I live in a bit of denial by keeping super busy, not watching too much news, and listening to uplifting Christmas music in the car.  But, I keep thinking of them.  Those children.  Those teachers. 

I felt scared to let Maddie go today.  We drove over to school and I prayed out loud for her and her safety.  I pray for her a lot on the way to school each day, but of course today it felt necessary.  She is so unaware of this tragedy.  She is excited for Christmas, and library today, and her sandwich with a new flavor of jam.  She is light, carefree and happy.  It's all a mother could want. 

I am trying to do as my Mom suggested; "lean into" my faith.  It is hard in moments like these.  I have cried each day while praying for God to please bring peace.  I've prayed that I cannot understand this; I've been angry with Him.  I've pleaded for a change in this world.  I went to church yesterday and prayed that our nation would sense a healing that only He can bring. 

Today, life continues on.  I will keep putting one foot in front of the other.  I will keep praying silently, out loud and with tears.  I will keep my faith.  That is really all I can do...

Christmas Time!!!!

Griswold has nothing on us!

Thankful Tree Finale!

Some of Maddie's "Favorite Things"

Mason is 5 months old today!!!

  IMG 0774 from Sarah Mejias on Vimeo.

 So, today is pretty special because MJ is 5 months old and Elisabeth is in labor!!!!  I'm so excited for this day :)

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

As a family, we begin on the 1st of November using our "Grateful/Thankful Tree."  I will post a picture of it when we are finished on the 30th.  It's something we've been using since 2008 (I think) and I just love the things everyone comes up with.  It's very sweet and such a good practice in gratitude.   
Today I am grateful for so much.  For my husband, children, family and friends.  For our health, our home and plenty of food & clothes.  Basically everything.  We have so much.  More than we need, that's for sure.  So today my goal is just to be present and mindful.  I want to focus on them and me enjoying them.  Happy Thanksgiving!

Perfection

There is so much I want to write.

But, I want it to be....perfect.  That is one of my hardest struggles.  The idea that in order to do something, I need to do it perfectly (or at least work really hard to have it appear that way).

Lately I read two of Anne Lamott's books, Some Assembly Required and Operating Instructions.  Both are fabulous, by the way.  One is about her experience as a grandmother and the other is about her experience as a mother.  She is my favorite author and there is just so much wisdom in what she writes.  But above all else, when I read her words, I feel okay.  It's like she has a way of describing exactly how life is (how imperfect it all really is) and being fine with that; not even fine, rejoicing in that.  She seems to be able to rejoice in her imperfections!  That is what I'm working towards.

I wasn't always this way.  I'm not sure when it started.  But at some point in my adult life, I realized that I really liked control.  I felt better when I felt in control.  It calmed my anxiety and made me feel safe.  Control is really such an illusion and is almost always about something else (fear mostly) but I've made myself believe that if I'm on top of everything, then nothing will go wrong.

I have to say that feeling that way is exhausting.  That's it.  I've gotten to the point in the last 4 months to simply realize that I'm exausted by the overwhelming need to have it all together.  I'm notcicing that this timeline coincides with having Mason.  Maybe having 3 kids is what God needed to show me that I don't have it all under my control.  But that really, He is in charge.  In one of the Lamott books she talks about those car seats that have a little steering wheel so the kid can think they are in charge of driving the car.  She says that while the child is working so hard to drive, the real driver looks in the back seat entertained by that determintation.  She likened that to us being the kid and God being the real driver.  I LOVE that.  How true!

The thought to write about perfection came to me this week when I went with my kids to a playdate at someones house I'd never been to.  When we walked in, her home was immaculate.  She had candles burning (so it smelled really nice), pillows placed just right, floor vacummed.  She is a person with a lot of energy so she began talking....and talking....and talking.  Some people do nervous talk.  They are uncomfortable so they fill the space with words.  My husband can be that way.  I'm learning to be more of a listener.  I've always been known as a talker (ie; report cards from childhood labeled me a "social butterfly.") But now I find that I want to be more of a listener.  So, I listened.  And she talked (somewhat frenetically) about laundry day on Tuesday, money she spends on her kids clothes, the size of her small home, etc.  But, as I listened I noticed that she basically talked about perfection.  About her need to have the dishes completely done, laundry put away, house mopped in order to feel okay.  And I TOTALLY GOT IT.

That has been me.  For quite some time. I have stressed about the stuff that doesn't matter.  I have been overly consumed with having my home be just right.  I have freaked out before having people over because the kids are eating crackers like chimpmunks in a room I just vacummed.  I get it.  I have totally been a Martha when I need to just be a Mary (see Luke 10:38-42).  Mary was in the moment, concentrating on her guest and serving.  She was not worried about the appearance of things.  Martha was missing the whole thing because she was cleaning!  That is such a good parable for me.

I don't want to miss this.  To miss this crazy time of having a 6 year old, 4 year old, and 4 month old. I want to enjoy the moments, all of them. Even the ones that involve crumbs.  I also want to let go.  Let go of the appearance of things, of me, of everything.  Don't get me wrong.  I still want to look nice, but I don't want all emphasis to be on the outside stuff.  I've been working so hard on my inside stuff for years now.  I think all that work is finally producing some fruit.  I think I'm beginning to be okay with myself.  Which, by the way, is really, really difficult.

I'm glad that I've shared this this morning.  My home has been quite quiet.  The girls are away with Gabe and it's just Mason, me and the dogs.  It's given me the time to blog and to reflect.  I know I'm not perfect.  None of us are.  And I want that to be okay.  But, since I am human, I'm pretty sure I will vacuum again today :)

Part 2 :)

                  We had a blast.  Mason slept through the whole thing!!!  Fun was had by all :-)

Happy Halloweeen!!!

Family

My heart aches just looking at these pictures.  It captures all of them right now, just as they are.  They are my my world.  My family.  It's crazy for me to think that God believes I deserve all of them.  They are so wonderful in all different ways.  Today I'm just extremely grateful for each and every one of them.

Maddie at age 6

I simply love everything about this.  Except for how long it took me to spell every single word she wrote down.  I have to point out that my favorite part is that her favorite pastime is "relaxing."  She's definitely in the right family! :-)

Mason James at 17 weeks

IMG 0632 from Sarah Mejias on Vimeo.

Silly Grace

IMG 0561 from Sarah Mejias on Vimeo.

Dearest Madeline,
  
    Today was your 6th birthday and you were sick :(  You had a fever in the middle of the night and because of that, you missed school today.  We hung around the house together and watched a lot of "Barbie and the Popstar." 
    I have to say that in a way I'm glad you were sick today.  It meant I got to have you home and all to myself.  I've missed you a lot since you started Kindergarten.  I know how much you love school and that makes me happy.  But there have been times in these last few weeks that I have deeply missed you.  Let's face it, for a while it was pretty much just me and you.  You were my side-kick.  You were my bud.  We had so much freedom, just the two of us.  It was pretty special.  (Just for the record you are still all of those things to me; it's just a little different now).
   Several times today you told me things like "I'm lucky I got you for a Mom," or "I love you so much," or "You're the best Mom anyone could ask for."  Honestly, I think I'm the lucky one.  Lucky that God knew exactly what I needed when he gave me you.  You have been such a light in my life, Maddie.  I'm always proud of you; like all the time.  Your heart mystifies me; it's the most loving and forgiving heart around.  You teach me constantly. 
  So, on your 6th birthday, now that you are all tucked into bed on the top bunk, I want to say thank you.  Thank you for being so brave with your emotions and your love.  Thank you for being an awesome big sister to Gracie and MJ (they really look up to you).  Thank you for being sweet, goofy, smiley you.
  But mostly, I hope that some day I can truly live up to the person you see me as.  I love you Maddie.

Love,
Mommy

$37.85

Today was a beautiful day.


Only, not in the traditional sense that would be based on weather.  I caught a glimpse of something majestic.


Gabe and I met at the grocery store while Maddie and Gracie were at school.  It was a very rainy day and he had time to meet me there and lighten my load with the baby and all.  We shopped around finding everything we needed and many things we didn't.  We threw it all in the cart without a thought. 

At the deli counter we were behind a man who was probably our age.  The deli lady was having some long convo with the lady in front of him and it was all I could do not to say something.  I had so many thoughts running through my head; things like: "terrible customer service", "the deli lady has an awful attitude",  "why do I live in Virginia?
You get the drift.

So, Gabe and I finished our shopping and proceeded to the check out.  There was only 1 guy in line so I chose that lane.  As we were loading our groceries on the belt, I realized the man in front of us was the same guy we had been behind at the deli.  I could tell there was something going on.  The manager was being asked questions by the clerk about "voiding, or holding the transaction until he could make a call about his card."  I knew what was happening.  The man had a look of shock and worry on his face.  He seemed to be saying "Can I afford food?" without speaking.  It struck my heart.

So, my inner voice (aka The Holy Spirit) said that we should offer to pay for this man's groceries.  His total was $37.85.  But then another voice came in saying that "he would be offended if we offered to pay."  I felt stuck.  So I didn't do anything.  Didn't say anything to Gabe, didn't think about it again.  I just sort of froze. 

In that moment, while the man was down about 10 lanes from us, making a call to his credit card company, Gabe spoke up to our clerk and the manager and said, "I'll pay for his groceries."  The looks on their faces were priceless.  They told Gabe he didn't have to do that, etc. etc. but Gabe responded "I'd like to pay for his groceries." The clerk in the next lane overheard what was happening and started talking about us "being a blessing" to this man.  

So, the clerk proceeded to add up our groceries with his and gave us our grand total which we paid.  By then the man was off the phone and walking towards his cart.  The clerk told him we had paid for his food and he was SO very, very thankful.  He reached out and grabbed Gabe's hand with both of his.  He shook it over and over and said "Thank you" while looking deep into his eyes the whole time. 

I had tears in my eyes at the sight of this. 

I've always known the kind of man Gabe is.  He is very loving, a good provider and a wonderful hands-on dad.  I know his political beliefs (don't we all? ;) and his faith is secure.  But honestly, he humbled me by his actions today.  He saw a need that he could meet and he stepped out in faith to help someone who was down on their luck.  Isn't that the point of it all??????  I had the same thought as him, but I let doubt and fear tamper it down to where I did nothing. 

I feel like I re-fell in love with him today at the supermarket.  I was reminded of how big his heart is and how lucky I am to call him my husband. 

Mason at 3 months old!

IMG 0477 from Sarah Mejias on Vimeo.


The baby turned 3 months old this week.  Time is definitely flying by.  He is so much fun such a sweet addition to our family.  Enjoy!!!

Ta-Dah!!!!

Maddie learns to ride a bike from Sarah Mejias on Vimeo.


Maddie learns to ride a bike 2 from Sarah Mejias on Vimeo.

best.day.ever.

Maddie learned....

to RIDE A BIKE TODAY!!!  No more training wheels :)  I will post video tomorrow....

Gracie's 1st day of Pre-K

Happiest Girl on the Block!

My Dear One

 Dearest Gracie,

   Today you are 4 years old.  In some ways I cannot believe it and in others I can.  You have become this little kid; no longer a baby.  I'm so proud of you. 
   You are still incredibly talkative.  Today you got upset that I was "always interrupting" you.  I responded that since "you are always talking, someone's gotta interrupt you sometime."  :)  You didn't like that too much but I thought it was funny! 
   I always think of you as my strong-willed  child.  You are my kid who colors outside of the lines, marches to her own beat, etc.  You move through life without a thought as to what others think of you.  I admire this quality in you.  You are teaching me.
  Which leads me to your outfits.  They are WILD.  You don't pay too much attention to things matching.  Mostly you pick items you love (ie: favorite tank top, skirt, shoes) and you put them all on; without a thought or care as to if they match each other or the weather outdoors.  And heaven help the person who tries to tell you otherwise.  I've learned in the last year that it just isn't worth it.  It's a battle I'm not willing to fight. So, I let you be you out in the world.  And I continue to be so proud. 
   This summer you became a big sister for the first time and you are amazing in this role.  I think deep down it has been hard for you to no longer be the "baby."  But, your Nonnie had a good point.  You will always be my baby girl.  No one can replace you.  You are truly one of kind and I love you completely.

Happy Birthday Sweet Girl!

Love,
Mommy
  

MJ (10 Weeks Old)

IMG 0278 from Sarah Mejias on Vimeo.

So.in.love.