Silence

You guys just left.  Actually it was 20 minutes ago, but since you left, I've been crying and wandering through your rooms.  I re-made your beds and straightened everything up for when you get back. 

It is way too quiet in this house.  Which is such a strange thing to think considering how often I wish for some peace and quiet.  But, this is just quiet....I don't feel at peace.  Each car that drives by has me looking to see if you came back because you forgot something.....

Today is yet another first for us.  We've had 9 months of firsts; first day of school, first sleepover with friends, first time roller skating, first Christmas on our own, and now the first time you go to Virginia without me.  Grace, you are the saddest today.  You stood in the driveway, in tears, saying you weren't going.  Maddie, you were so strong.  I saw your big blue eyes wanting to cry, but then I saw your strength.  You are allowed to be sad, scared, unsure.  That's part of all of this.  I feel that way too.  Mason, you kept saying you just want to stay home with me.  That's something you say everyday.  Even when you are only going to daycare.  You are a total homebody :) 

It is hard for my mind to comprehend.  The fact that you are all going out of state without me.  It is right and it makes sense logically, but emotionally it is wrenching.  I know who I am without all of my "ducks" trailing behind me everywhere I go, but at the same time, I don't.  I always feel like my life started when I had you, Maddie.  And life just kept getting better when I had you, Grace.  And then it was complete and perfect when you came along, Mason.  Everything that has truly mattered has happened to me in the last 9 years. 

I am telling myself that you are all resting in the car driving to San Francisco.  And that you are going to have an easy flight tomorrow.  You will arrive and head straight to your Grammie's house where you will be spoiled rotten and feel content. 

I'm taking care of myself and Tuck while you're gone.  I will see friends, do my yoga (without someone crawling on top of me (Mason)), and I will rest.  I will fit in some fun too. 

As a single mom, I wish for a break a lot.  It is a tiring life; physically and emotionally to do what I do with and for you day in and day out.  But, it is THE most important thing I've ever done.  Being your mom is what I was made for.  It is the whole point.  So, even though we will be thousands of miles apart for the next week, I am still here.  Still available to you anytime.  Still your mom. 

Be kind to each other and brush your teeth. 
I love you each for who you are.