So, a weird thing happened today. I had a mammogram. At age 35. Which isn't the norm.
I've been secretly feeling some breast pain for months and didn't want to mention it because that would mean something's wrong and I'd have to see a Dr. So, I didn't. Until, one day I confided in Gabe. He recommended I see the OB. Then, I told another friend. And she said I "should have that checked out." So, I decided that God is speaking to me through these people I love and I should care enough about myself to have it all looked into.
I went to the OB planning to have an exam and feeling rather confident that she would say it's all nothing and that I can be on my merry way. Only, she said I needed a mammogram. So, that sort of ruined Friday for me.
I spent the weekend wondering what might happen today. What if I get a bad diagnosis? What if I'm truly sick? Who will be here for my children if I'm gone?
Did I mention that I go straight for the scariest thoughts possible right away????
So, today rolled around and I made it to my appointment on time. I checked in at the mammography desk when normally I've been to this place and checked in for ultrasounds. I usually find out if I'm having a boy or girl at this office; not cancer or no cancer.
Finally they called my name and I had the mammogram. Which I will say was not as terrible as I imagined and my tech, Nora, was a peach. So that made it easier. She could see my fear and she was very, uh, gentle. When we were finished, she had me come back to a waiting room to hang out until the radiologist read my results. This was the longest 15 minutes of my life.
I had left my phone at home (something I NEVER do) and so as I sat in that little room, my mind was turning. I kept telling myself that I'm fine because I always am. Suddenly Nora appeared to let me know they did see a cyst in my right breast and now I needed to go over to ultrasound to determine what exactly it was they were seeing. I almost cried.
At this point I had to wait for ultrasound to come get me and I sat in that little room, wearing my black leggings and weird green robe thing they gave me. I was cold and scared. And I had nothing to do but pray. I sort of think this is why God had me forget my phone. I had no distraction. I had to pray because I was facing a truth about my body and what was going on inside of it. And I had no control.
A bit later, the ultrasound tech came and got me and her, me and a tech-in-training watched as my breast was ultrasounded (not a word). She located the cyst and asked me to wait for the radiologist to come over again to double check what they were seeing which is apparently located at 8:00 for those that are curious. Yes, they break our breasts into clocks to discuss where the issues are. Ya learn something new every day!
The Dr. came in, did another ultrasound while I crossed my fingers in anticipation. Then she uttered the words every woman wants to hear: "You are fine. You have nothing to worry about. This is a cyst we don't even need to follow up on. Everything is fine."
I breathed. A deep, thankful breath. As they all left the room, I prayed again. A prayer of thankfulness and one of utter shock at what I'd just been through; alone.
I was reminded today that without my phone I had to just rely on my faith. I couldn't reach out to Gabe, or my sister, or Mom because I was scared. I had to deal. I had to face whatever and know deep down that God's got me. I'm so thankful today to be okay. So thankful for good medical care, health insurance, the knowledge of women's health issues, etc. Most of all, I'm thankful to know that I'm okay; inside and out.