Saturday, June 27, 2015


Dear Mason,

   Today you are 3 years old and I am elated!!!  Seriously.  Since you were born, I couldn't wait for this moment because it meant I would see the light at the end of the baby tunnel (no pun intended ;)  And it is coming true!  You are ALL BOY, ALL THE TIME.  I say this a lot about you.  You are always climbing, hitting, punching, biting and being aggressive.  You have a really sweet, soft side, but it's only reserved for when you are feeling sick or super shy.  So, basically it's rare.

  You also seem to live on milk and "crail-mix"(aka, trail-mix, aka chocolate).  Only kidding!  You can really make a dent in cheese and crackers ;)  You are too busy to stop to eat, so this is how it works.  What can I say?  You are the 3rd :)  

  We are together a lot and next year this will change for you and me.  I know we are both ready for it, but it's another shift in a shifty sort of year.  And you should know that you are a champ.  You have gone with the flow this year and been amazing; my true sidekick.  Part of this is your intense desire to stay home all the time.  You insist every day is a "stay-home day" and not a day-care day.  It cracks me up.  

  They say a little boy can really grab your heart and I'm here to say that is 100% true.  I am all yours big guy and I am super lucky you're mine.

Friday, June 19, 2015


I don't know where to start so I just will.

The feelings are overwhelming.  I'm here in a town I lived in for the past 10 years, and I feel lost.

I see glimpses of my old life and the tears begin.  Why does this visit feel so hard?  Why does it seem to be a constant reminder of all that we had and all that did not work.

The timing of this is another thing.  My divorce is in the final moments of becoming official; of having an actual date to remember as the day we are divorced.

Coming here, I did not even sort of anticipate any of these feelings and now they won't stop coming; one on top of another.  The friends, the family, the memories, keep coming and I can't breathe.....

I know that the fact that Gabe and I can be together to celebrate Mason turning 3 is beautiful.  We are showing our children that we keep our word.  We are demonstrating that while we don't want to be married anymore, we are kind, friendly, respectful and even happy around one another.  We are both freer this way.  But, it doesn't change how confusing it is to host a party with your soon to be ex-husband and feel like nothing has changed and that everything has changed.

I am sad tonight.  I basically went to dinner with a friend and maybe had a panic attack.  I felt clammy, nauseous, anxious and I just wanted to come home.  Now I'm here in a rented condo, down the street from a home I used to own and love and I feel heartbroken.  A lot of dreams lived in that house.  And seeing it yesterday reminded me of loss.  And it hurts.

All of this isn't to take away from our happiness in our new life.  We are all doing so well; thriving as I've written before.  But this visit has me shaken.  They say it takes an entire year to really start feeling better.  And we are at 9 months of this new life.

For now there is only room to feel the feelings and allow them for what they are.  

Wednesday, June 10, 2015


You guys just left.  Actually it was 20 minutes ago, but since you left, I've been crying and wandering through your rooms.  I re-made your beds and straightened everything up for when you get back. 

It is way too quiet in this house.  Which is such a strange thing to think considering how often I wish for some peace and quiet.  But, this is just quiet....I don't feel at peace.  Each car that drives by has me looking to see if you came back because you forgot something.....

Today is yet another first for us.  We've had 9 months of firsts; first day of school, first sleepover with friends, first time roller skating, first Christmas on our own, and now the first time you go to Virginia without me.  Grace, you are the saddest today.  You stood in the driveway, in tears, saying you weren't going.  Maddie, you were so strong.  I saw your big blue eyes wanting to cry, but then I saw your strength.  You are allowed to be sad, scared, unsure.  That's part of all of this.  I feel that way too.  Mason, you kept saying you just want to stay home with me.  That's something you say everyday.  Even when you are only going to daycare.  You are a total homebody :) 

It is hard for my mind to comprehend.  The fact that you are all going out of state without me.  It is right and it makes sense logically, but emotionally it is wrenching.  I know who I am without all of my "ducks" trailing behind me everywhere I go, but at the same time, I don't.  I always feel like my life started when I had you, Maddie.  And life just kept getting better when I had you, Grace.  And then it was complete and perfect when you came along, Mason.  Everything that has truly mattered has happened to me in the last 9 years. 

I am telling myself that you are all resting in the car driving to San Francisco.  And that you are going to have an easy flight tomorrow.  You will arrive and head straight to your Grammie's house where you will be spoiled rotten and feel content. 

I'm taking care of myself and Tuck while you're gone.  I will see friends, do my yoga (without someone crawling on top of me (Mason)), and I will rest.  I will fit in some fun too. 

As a single mom, I wish for a break a lot.  It is a tiring life; physically and emotionally to do what I do with and for you day in and day out.  But, it is THE most important thing I've ever done.  Being your mom is what I was made for.  It is the whole point.  So, even though we will be thousands of miles apart for the next week, I am still here.  Still available to you anytime.  Still your mom. 

Be kind to each other and brush your teeth. 
I love you each for who you are. 

Saturday, June 6, 2015

Occidental Young Writers Award

Occidental Young Writers Award from Sarah Mejias on Vimeo.

Maddie entered a writing contest at her school last month.  On Thursday night we were invited to a reception  to see if she won honorable mention, 3rd, 2nd or 1st place.  It was so exciting to see her win an award for how smart she is.  She is an author.  And in her own words, she is "unstoppable."