Friday, December 12, 2014

I feel badly.

I got upset (not overly) about something Maddie said tonight.

She said, "you never sit on the couch and watch something with us!"

I immediately wanted to cry.

Today they were all home.  School was closed due to the crazy rain storm we've been having.

So, at the time she said this, we'd all been home, together, just the 4 of us for 13 (awake) hours.

I was changing the baby into pj's and cleaning.  I was starting laundry and putting dinner dishes away.  I was paying bills online and addressing Christmas cards.  I was straightening the house and fielding texts about our home which is officially sold on Monday.

I mentioned to her how unfair what she said was.  Because we had all eaten dinner on the couch (as a treat) and watched "Elf" and laughed and repeated lines from it to each other.  We didn't finish the movie, but I was there.  I was with them.  I got up to get cups of milk and more corn when it was asked for, but I was there.

I felt hurt by what she said because I'm SO far from perfect, but I am trying so damn hard here.  I'm learning how to manage; to balance.  I'm focused and intentional with each of them a lot of the time. 

And so it just hurts.  It hurts when you feel like you are actually trying your hardest and it still doesn't feel like enough to the other person.

So, I fought back the tears until now when they are all tucked in.  And I made a decison.

 I'm forgiving all of it.  Her, for what she said.  Me, for how I took it.  Us, because we are all really trying.  And sometimes it's seamless and other times it's yucky.

But, that's life I suppose.  Tomorrow is a new day and another try.

Thursday, November 20, 2014

There has been so much to say that I haven't felt like saying anything. 

Our home is under contract.  This is bittersweet to me.  I'm thankful it isn't sitting on the market, but I'm sad to let it go.  It is where I brought Mason home from the hospital.  It's the home that I figured I'd be in when the girls went to prom.  There are so many memories; both good and hard ones there.  It is always difficult to let things go for me.

We are adjusting to life in California.  Today is foggy, rainy and super damp.  I love it.  It feels like home (which it is!).  All the kids got new rain boots and matching rain jackets yesterday.  Very different to buy those instead of snow boots and snow pants in preparation for winter.

Since I'm living where I grew up, I thought I would shift back into country life seemlessly.  That has not been the case.  I've learned in the past (almost) 2 months, that I like the suburbs!  I like close neighbors and paved drive-ways.  I also like street lights and sidewalks.  However, in the past few weeks, I've been loving it here more and more.  The peace.  The quiet.  The way the kids have to rely on each other as playmates most afternoons. It's actually really spectacular. 

When I lived in Virginia, I had so many friends who longed for a slower paced life.  One that didn't feel so competitive for children and one that didn't create such harried mothers.  Well, I'm happy to say that is where we have moved to.  Life, time and driving are slow here.  I'm used to being rushed, so sometimes I feel like I haven't "done" anything. 


then I look at those 6 wide-eyes that are brimming with happiness, freedom and love and I remember that I have done something.  I've helped them each.  Every, single day.  We are doing it.  We are surviving but more importantly we are thriving; healing.  And it is truly beautiful. 

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Life has changed....

I could cry beginning this post.  Basically my ENTIRE LIFE has changed.  In a lot of ways it is for the better, but in many it is sad.  The kids and I have moved to California (positive change), but Gabe and I have separated (negative change).  We are completely upside down.  At the same time, the girls love school and MJ loves daycare.  And I'm settling into a new way of life.  I don't have too much to say tonight other than being with my family is amazing.  Living here is where I was always meant to be.  I just took a 10 year break ;) 

So, I'm back.  Finding myself, being their everything, and resting when there's a chance.  It's really all I can do.  And I'm thankful.

Monday, September 8, 2014

Grace's 6th Birthday!

Dear Gracie Girl,

   Today is your 6th birthday and I'm simply intrigued by you.  You are unlike anyone I've ever met and for that, I am grateful.  As your mom, I've learned that if I compliment you on your behavior, you immediately change it.  Also, if I say the best way to go is left, you will demand we go right.  You have always had this quality; of being contrary.  It is so different from how I am, but that is how you are and it teaches me.  You've shown me that I don't have everything figured out.  You also show me how to laugh when life is too silly.  Your style and sense of fashion is impeccable and truly original.  One funny story is that for your 6th birthday you are completely adamant that you don't want cake.  Tonight for your birthday dessert, you went out for frozen yogurt with your Dad.  On the day of your party in 2 weeks, you requested that we serve brownies.  The truth about you, Grace, is that you always surprise me.

  You started Kindergarten a week ago today and I believe you already have it all figured out.  You continue to be a light in our home and to amaze me at your bravery.

  I love you so much my sweet baby girl.


Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Life....and the First Day of School

So, life has been hectic; and not always in a good way.  My grandmother passed away this summer and my dear cousin, Bryan, had a terrible accident and is now paralyzed.  So, the summer has been hard.  Very hard.  And to be honest, very emotional.  Some of those emotions have felt good though because they made me feel more in touch with myself.  Others were difficult because they expressed pain over people I love and loved.

But, the saying is true that "life goes on" and for us it has.  I decided this was the school year to go back to work.  I've spent a lot of time this summer preparing for today actually.  I had my first day of work in 8 years today!  And it was AMAZING!  I love my classroom, my assistant, the school and the busyness.  It felt good to be reminded that I am good at something other than being a mom.  That is a neat feeling.

The girls started school today as well.  Maddie entered Second grade and Gracie started Kindergarten.  They were both up at 6:15am, dressed and brushing their hair.  It was a pretty easy morning.

Tomorrow is a new day and that's how I'm living at the moment; in the moment and day by day.  But today I am smiling.  And so are they.

Thursday, June 26, 2014

Happy 2nd Birthday to My Baby Boy

Dearest Mason James,

  Today is your 2nd birthday and I cannot tell you how excited I am that you are growing up.  You are such a funny little guy.  Every day we all find at least 5 things you do that make us laugh.  It is such a joy to have you as the final addition to our family.  Lately you have been talking up a storm and I love your little, gravelly voice.  It's very unique and a lot of fun to hear as you talk to me constantly from the back seat.  You have a  real love of all trucks, tractors and yard maintenance tools.  In fact, tonight for your birthday you received a play weed-wacker and bubble blowing lawn mower!  You were in heaven with these toys :)  You are a strong willed little guy with a big voice and I'm so excited to watch who you will become.
  This afternoon as I was walking, you looked at me and said "Mommy, hands" as you held your hand up to grasp mine.  I melted.  I said that "I hope you never stop wanting to hold my hand" and I will continue to have that wish.  
  I love you more than you know MJ.



Saturday, March 22, 2014

Yesterday was my 36th birthday and I’m not entirely sure how I feel. 

No, I’m not overly obsessed with aging, crow’s feet or cellulite.  I mean it’s hard to find the time to care all that much.  I think for me vanity is waning as I get older.  I still have it, but maybe not to the degree that I used to.  But maybe that’s a lie.  Especially on a bad clothes/skin/hair day……  Those can sort of ruin me.  


I’m more interested in where my heart and mind are.  How much I’m reading, knitting and now, sewing.  I’m thinking about what kind of kids I’m raising and if they know God.  I’m worrying about the scary things of this world and wishing that the bad stuff never happened.  I find myself feeling closer to my husband, because he “gets” me.  I’m constantly trying to be more present with less technology.  I cry about anything, but mostly in private.  Seeming brave and strong are important to me as I am an example.  I miss home and my family all the time; that just never gets any easier.   I want my life to matter.   

At 36 I feel a glimmer of contentment.  I’m reading, writing, and focusing on gratitude a lot and it helps me see how blessed I am.  I’m so very thankful on this day for my faith, my family, my friendships, my health, my ability to see, think, talk and feel.    

Truly, I have all I ever wanted. 

*Yesterday I wanted to capture most of my day.  The following are pictures from the day (However of course I forgot to get a pic of Gabe and I at dinner)*

Grace and I just woke up.

All my birthday cards from my morning


Taking my man to Little Gym

Facetiming with Lizzy

Playing cars

Finished sewing my drawstring bag

Monday, March 3, 2014

A visit

We just had a wonderful visit from Lizzy, Justin and Mac.  It went too fast and was so full of fun though.  We had time to play in the snow, talk, eat, have a proper tea party, go out for a double date, watch Frick-and-Frack get into mischief, visit a DC landmark, learn what "data" means, and even watch some of "Casablanca."  All in all it was a great time that went by way too fast.  Isn't' that how it always goes?  Some days feel so mundane and like they will go on forever but the really fun ones fly by.  I'm so thankful for family that makes the time and effort to visit us 3000 miles away.  To me, it means the world.

Friday, February 14, 2014

Happy Valentine's Day!

I've been doing a lot of reading recently and everything I read points me to the idea of gratitude.  I'm working hard at finding ways to be truly grateful and to have a heart of thanksgiving no matter what is going on.

 My kids really help me with this.

 Even when we are having a tough day or evening, I remember to look for the positives when it comes to having them.  I wrote on Facebook last night that "they are the best things that have ever happened to me" and I really believe that to be true.  However, it leaves out one really important person, whom without, I would not even have these little ones to be grateful for! 

And that is Gabe.  He is really an amazing father and they love him so much.  And so do I.  We are all lucky to be together and remembering that today and every day is what love is all about. 

Monday, January 27, 2014

So, a weird thing happened today.  I had a mammogram.  At age 35.  Which isn't the norm. 

I've been secretly feeling some breast pain for months and didn't want to mention it because that would mean something's wrong and I'd have to see a Dr.  So, I didn't.  Until, one day I confided in Gabe.  He recommended I see the OB.  Then, I told another friend.  And she said I "should have that checked out."  So, I decided that God is speaking to me through these people I love and I should care enough about myself to have it all looked into.

I went to the OB planning to have an exam and feeling rather confident that she would say it's all nothing and that I can be on my merry way.  Only, she said I needed a mammogram.  So, that sort of ruined Friday for me.

I spent the weekend wondering what might happen today.  What if I get a bad diagnosis?  What if I'm truly sick?  Who will be here for my children if I'm gone?

 Did I mention that I go straight for the scariest thoughts possible right away????

So, today rolled around and I made it to my appointment on time.  I checked in at the mammography desk when normally I've been to this place and checked in for ultrasounds.  I usually find out if I'm having a boy or girl at this office; not cancer or no cancer. 

Finally they called my name and I had the mammogram.  Which I will say was not as terrible as I imagined and my tech, Nora, was a peach.  So that made it easier.  She could see my fear and she was very, uh, gentle.  When we were finished, she had me come back to a waiting room to hang out until the radiologist read my results.  This was the longest 15 minutes of my life. 

I had left my phone at home (something I NEVER do) and so as I sat in that little room, my mind was turning.  I kept telling myself that I'm fine because I always am.  Suddenly Nora appeared to let me know they did see a cyst in my right breast and now I needed to go over to ultrasound to determine what exactly it was they were seeing.  I almost cried.

At this point I had to wait for ultrasound to come get me and I sat in that little room, wearing my black leggings and weird green robe thing they gave me.  I was cold and scared.  And I had nothing to do but pray.  I sort of think this is why God had me forget my phone.  I had no distraction.  I had to pray because I was facing a truth about my body and what was going on inside of it.  And I had no control. 

A bit later, the ultrasound tech came and got me and her, me and a tech-in-training watched as my breast was ultrasounded (not a word).  She located the cyst and asked me to wait for the radiologist to come over again to double check what they were seeing which is apparently located at 8:00 for those that are curious.  Yes, they break our breasts into clocks to discuss where the issues are.  Ya learn something new every day!

The Dr. came in, did another ultrasound while I crossed my fingers in anticipation.  Then she uttered the words every woman wants to hear: "You are fine.  You have nothing to worry about.  This is a cyst we don't even need to follow up on.  Everything is fine."  

I breathed.  A deep, thankful breath.  As they all left the room, I prayed again.  A prayer of thankfulness and one of utter shock at what I'd just been through; alone. 

I was reminded today that without my phone I had to just rely on my faith.  I couldn't reach out to Gabe, or my sister, or Mom because I was scared.  I had to deal.  I had to face whatever and know deep down that God's got me.  I'm so thankful today to be okay.  So thankful for good medical care, health insurance, the knowledge of women's health issues, etc.  Most of all, I'm thankful to know that I'm okay; inside and out. 

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

It is simply love.

Thursday, January 2, 2014

Happy 2014!

Dance Party! from Sarah Mejias on Vimeo.

This is how we celebrate the first day of 2014; Rascal Flatts and a Dance Party :-)
Happy New Year!