Wednesday, June 1, 2011

The Sadness

There it is. Every time I think it's gone, it shows up again; unexpected. I'm sad. I've been through a lot in the month of May and I was happy to see it go. Thank God it's June. May tested me. And now that June is here and the pain from my surgery is starting to subside, I'm left with sadness. It's hard to put my finger on what brings the tears.

Sometimes it's the thoughts that were racing through my head 2 weeks ago this evening: "Will I be okay?" "Will Gabe be fine if I'm not?" "Will I be able to have any more babies?" "Is God hearing me?"

Those thoughts pass and then I'm overcome with the thought that God did hear me and that He kept me safe. I cried most of the time I was at church on Sunday and when I wasn't crying, I was just trying really hard not to. My emotions are barely below the surface.

The last thing I think about is the love and help that have been expressed and offered since my sickness/pregnancy/surgery began. I'm humbled that people care that much for me. It makes me cry because I feel undeserving of it but at the same time I know that I'm worth it.

Heading into summer I'm looking forward. I don't want to deny what I've been through but I can only stay so long. So, the sadness washes over me and I just tell myself "it's temporary" and I breathe.