Saturday, February 23, 2013

Things have been hard around here for me lately.  I have talked to some about how I'm feeling, but I usually feel like no one understands. 

The back story is the Gabe has been suffering from headaches/migraines since November.  He has been to regular doctors, chiropractor, neurologist, had an MRI, etc.  He is receiving treatment (lots of medicines) as well as nerve blocks a couple times a week (think, several to a dozen shots in his head).  Sometimes he feels better from the shots, but other times (like yesterday) he seemed to be worse.  It's very painful for him and I can see that.

But I'm struggling.

At first, I was struggling with thinking that something even more serious was going on.  I was worried and my fear took over.  I cope with fear by acting angry and distant.  It ain't pretty but it's the truth.  That's how I spent a lot of November and December. In January, I tried to change my attitude; it's one of the only things I can control and so I tried.  I also prayed.  Nonstop.  And, I felt better.  I felt more compassionate towards Gabe; towards the headaches.  I felt hopeful for the appointment with the neurologist.  I felt like maybe this would end soon and we could get back to regular life.   

Now it's almost March and he is still in pain.  Everyone I talk to asks about him.  It's nice that so many people care for him and his health. 

But, not many people think to ask about me.  About what it's like to take care of the kids all day on my own and then when Gabe walks in with a headache (and no patience for them), to explain to them (again) that he is in pain and not to have hurt feelings.  About how it feels to constantly be talking about the headaches, level of pain, meds to take, etc.  It's exhausting.  It's making me resentful.  It's also making me ashamed of how I'm feeling.  Yes, I know he's in pain.  Yes, I know it isn't about me.  But, why does it feel that way? 

I want Gabe to feel better but I also wish that I was using this opportunity to grow.  God gives us things in our lives to grow our character and faith.  I think I'm failing this one big time.  Instead of growth I choose to stay mad, annoyed, irritated and put-upon.  I want to be helpful to him and a much better listener.  But in the midst of it all, I simply cannot.  It's so very hard. 

So, I will keep plugging away.  I will stay busy with the kiddos and try not to take Gabe's impatience or bad attitude to heart.  I will pray and read and zone out on reality TV.  I will eat salads but also chocolate because that just does the trick sometimes.  I will be at therapy (individual and group) every week because that keeps me sane.  Most importantly, I will take care of me while taking care of everyone else. 

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Grace Celeste

Gracie
February 2013
4.5 years old

 I've been thinking about Grace a lot lately.  She's the middle kid.  In fact, we watched a Brady Bunch episode last night as a family all about Jan being the middle child; how she feels invisible. 

If you know Grace, she is anything but invisible.  Her clothes are always her own choice and they stand out!  It's very Grace-like. 

I don't ever want to be over-looking her.  I can see how it happens; Maddie is really figuring out reading and Mason is on the verge of walking.  So a lot of attention goes to them.  But Grace has incredible qualities and I see them everyday.

She is naturally creative.  She loves drawing and cooking.  She reserves her love; but once she accepts you, her love is very powerful.  The girl is funny.  A silly sense of humor and a language all her own.  She changes clothes at least once a day ( I did this as a child) and she LOVES tights.  Every outfit includes tights.  I love to cuddle her and watch cooking shows on Saturday mornings.  She is the only kid I do this with.  It is on my top 10 list of favorite things to do.  She is an amazing little sister and an equally amazing big sister; she has the best of both worlds.  She has a hard time accepting compliments; she deflects them by acting out in the opposite way.  Many have said she's an "old soul" and I believe this to be true. 

I love her so very much and never want her to feel invisible.  So today, I make a point of seeing her; really seeing her.  And my gratitude for this little girl pours out.

Sunday, February 3, 2013

MJ's Dedication

February 3, 2013
7 months old

Today was such a special day for us.  Mason was dedicated at our church and so many friends and family members came to help us celebrate.  It was so neat to hear and see how loved MJ truly is and how blessed we feel to have him in our family.  The girls looked beautiful in their new dresses and shoes and acted like perfect ladies on stage with us.  

*To see the whole album, click here.

  Mason's Dedication from Sarah Mejias on Vimeo.