Wednesday, June 1, 2011

The Sadness

There it is. Every time I think it's gone, it shows up again; unexpected. I'm sad. I've been through a lot in the month of May and I was happy to see it go. Thank God it's June. May tested me. And now that June is here and the pain from my surgery is starting to subside, I'm left with sadness. It's hard to put my finger on what brings the tears.

Sometimes it's the thoughts that were racing through my head 2 weeks ago this evening: "Will I be okay?" "Will Gabe be fine if I'm not?" "Will I be able to have any more babies?" "Is God hearing me?"

Those thoughts pass and then I'm overcome with the thought that God did hear me and that He kept me safe. I cried most of the time I was at church on Sunday and when I wasn't crying, I was just trying really hard not to. My emotions are barely below the surface.

The last thing I think about is the love and help that have been expressed and offered since my sickness/pregnancy/surgery began. I'm humbled that people care that much for me. It makes me cry because I feel undeserving of it but at the same time I know that I'm worth it.

Heading into summer I'm looking forward. I don't want to deny what I've been through but I can only stay so long. So, the sadness washes over me and I just tell myself "it's temporary" and I breathe.


Anonymous said...

Big hug! You've been through sooo much-both good and bad. A real emotional roller coaster. And now you're coming out the other side and have to allow yourself this time and these emotions too. God always has a plan for us-we may not see it right now, but in time it will become clear and that's what we have to hold on to. In the meantime you have others to lean upon and have support you. Use us ;) xxx Siobhan

Anonymous said...

You are not undeserving of all the love you have received, it is in direct proportion to the love you give. This is an emotional thing and traumatic and it's totally understandable to be feeling all of this. I am sad I can't be there with you but like yesterday, I am a phone call away. ANY TIME!
Love you!

Chronicles of Momnia said...

i am tearing up just reading your post. hang in there, my friend. you are one strong lady and when you're not feeling so strong? you know where to turn...

SARAH said...

Thank you Girls! You are each so awesome and important to me. I know I have you to lean on and sometimes it's me feeling like I don't know how to need help. Yesterday was better than the day before and that is keeping me going :)