Friday, December 12, 2014

I feel badly.

I got upset (not overly) about something Maddie said tonight.

She said, "you never sit on the couch and watch something with us!"

I immediately wanted to cry.

Today they were all home.  School was closed due to the crazy rain storm we've been having.

So, at the time she said this, we'd all been home, together, just the 4 of us for 13 (awake) hours.

I was changing the baby into pj's and cleaning.  I was starting laundry and putting dinner dishes away.  I was paying bills online and addressing Christmas cards.  I was straightening the house and fielding texts about our home which is officially sold on Monday.

I mentioned to her how unfair what she said was.  Because we had all eaten dinner on the couch (as a treat) and watched "Elf" and laughed and repeated lines from it to each other.  We didn't finish the movie, but I was there.  I was with them.  I got up to get cups of milk and more corn when it was asked for, but I was there.

I felt hurt by what she said because I'm SO far from perfect, but I am trying so damn hard here.  I'm learning how to manage; to balance.  I'm focused and intentional with each of them a lot of the time. 

And so it just hurts.  It hurts when you feel like you are actually trying your hardest and it still doesn't feel like enough to the other person.

So, I fought back the tears until now when they are all tucked in.  And I made a decison.

 I'm forgiving all of it.  Her, for what she said.  Me, for how I took it.  Us, because we are all really trying.  And sometimes it's seamless and other times it's yucky.

But, that's life I suppose.  Tomorrow is a new day and another try.


Anonymous said...

She will probably never know how much that hurt you. And knowing her, she would cry if she knew that it did. You are doing AMAZING! Kids have fleeting memories and thoughts, they are in the moment. You are the best mom, no one is perfect and you come damn close. You are my role model and I have no idea how you do it.
To a new day!
your sister

Anonymous said...

Ditto to everything "your sister" said! You're the most amazing Mom and they love you dearly. The fact that this upset you just shows how aware of spending time and being present for them you have been. Emotions are close to the surface and forgiving and moving on is the nicest thing that can be done at this time. Trust me in years to come Maddie will look back and wonder at all the wonderful things you did and how on earth you did it! I know I do ;) Love you s'much and miss you s'more.
xxxx Siobhan