Things have been hard around here for me lately. I have talked to some about how I'm feeling, but I usually feel like no one understands.
The back story is the Gabe has been suffering from headaches/migraines since November. He has been to regular doctors, chiropractor, neurologist, had an MRI, etc. He is receiving treatment (lots of medicines) as well as nerve blocks a couple times a week (think, several to a dozen shots in his head). Sometimes he feels better from the shots, but other times (like yesterday) he seemed to be worse. It's very painful for him and I can see that.
But I'm struggling.
At first, I was struggling with thinking that something even more serious was going on. I was worried and my fear took over. I cope with fear by acting angry and distant. It ain't pretty but it's the truth. That's how I spent a lot of November and December. In January, I tried to change my attitude; it's one of the only things I can control and so I tried. I also prayed. Nonstop. And, I felt better. I felt more compassionate towards Gabe; towards the headaches. I felt hopeful for the appointment with the neurologist. I felt like maybe this would end soon and we could get back to regular life.
Now it's almost March and he is still in pain. Everyone I talk to asks about him. It's nice that so many people care for him and his health.
But, not many people think to ask about me. About what it's like to take care of the kids all day on my own and then when Gabe walks in with a headache (and no patience for them), to explain to them (again) that he is in pain and not to have hurt feelings. About how it feels to constantly be talking about the headaches, level of pain, meds to take, etc. It's exhausting. It's making me resentful. It's also making me ashamed of how I'm feeling. Yes, I know he's in pain. Yes, I know it isn't about me. But, why does it feel that way?
I want Gabe to feel better but I also wish that I was using this opportunity to grow. God gives us things in our lives to grow our character and faith. I think I'm failing this one big time. Instead of growth I choose to stay mad, annoyed, irritated and put-upon. I want to be helpful to him and a much better listener. But in the midst of it all, I simply cannot. It's so very hard.
So, I will keep plugging away. I will stay busy with the kiddos and try not to take Gabe's impatience or bad attitude to heart. I will pray and read and zone out on reality TV. I will eat salads but also chocolate because that just does the trick sometimes. I will be at therapy (individual and group) every week because that keeps me sane. Most importantly, I will take care of me while taking care of everyone else.