Saturday, February 23, 2013

Things have been hard around here for me lately.  I have talked to some about how I'm feeling, but I usually feel like no one understands. 

The back story is the Gabe has been suffering from headaches/migraines since November.  He has been to regular doctors, chiropractor, neurologist, had an MRI, etc.  He is receiving treatment (lots of medicines) as well as nerve blocks a couple times a week (think, several to a dozen shots in his head).  Sometimes he feels better from the shots, but other times (like yesterday) he seemed to be worse.  It's very painful for him and I can see that.

But I'm struggling.

At first, I was struggling with thinking that something even more serious was going on.  I was worried and my fear took over.  I cope with fear by acting angry and distant.  It ain't pretty but it's the truth.  That's how I spent a lot of November and December. In January, I tried to change my attitude; it's one of the only things I can control and so I tried.  I also prayed.  Nonstop.  And, I felt better.  I felt more compassionate towards Gabe; towards the headaches.  I felt hopeful for the appointment with the neurologist.  I felt like maybe this would end soon and we could get back to regular life.   

Now it's almost March and he is still in pain.  Everyone I talk to asks about him.  It's nice that so many people care for him and his health. 

But, not many people think to ask about me.  About what it's like to take care of the kids all day on my own and then when Gabe walks in with a headache (and no patience for them), to explain to them (again) that he is in pain and not to have hurt feelings.  About how it feels to constantly be talking about the headaches, level of pain, meds to take, etc.  It's exhausting.  It's making me resentful.  It's also making me ashamed of how I'm feeling.  Yes, I know he's in pain.  Yes, I know it isn't about me.  But, why does it feel that way? 

I want Gabe to feel better but I also wish that I was using this opportunity to grow.  God gives us things in our lives to grow our character and faith.  I think I'm failing this one big time.  Instead of growth I choose to stay mad, annoyed, irritated and put-upon.  I want to be helpful to him and a much better listener.  But in the midst of it all, I simply cannot.  It's so very hard. 

So, I will keep plugging away.  I will stay busy with the kiddos and try not to take Gabe's impatience or bad attitude to heart.  I will pray and read and zone out on reality TV.  I will eat salads but also chocolate because that just does the trick sometimes.  I will be at therapy (individual and group) every week because that keeps me sane.  Most importantly, I will take care of me while taking care of everyone else. 


DM'sMommy said...

I stumbled upon your blog through the Barefoot Foodie's blog. And I wanted to ask, and not just b/c you mentioned it in this post, but HOW ARE YOU? Seriously, how are you? See, for the last 4-5 yrs I've had to be the one to be the caretaker, sole provider, mother, wife, etc. due to my spouse having Brain Cancer and I too had folks, more often than not, ask how he was. And truth be told I grew resentful of his illness and his reaction to it and it wasn't healthy but I couldn't control just happened. It's hurt my marriage so I'm happy you have your faith, therapy, and your coping so much better than me but seriously: how are you? I know my family asking that sporadically from several states away brightened my day and didn't even know it. Only I was too busy holding things together to stop and answer them. I wish I had. My story may have had a different outcome...who knows. I'm not much of a religious person these days but I will certainly say a prayer for you, your family, and your husband, and I hope you get your answers soon as to what is causing him so much pain. Hang in there.

DM'sMommy said...

I meant Brittany Gibbons blog. Sorry :)

Laura said...

I'm so sorry to hear about Gabe I didn't know. :( I totally understand how you feel like really understand. Jason has back problems (steaming from years ago when he permanently damaged his back at work) He has constant pain and can throw his back out of alignment in a single second of not thinking of how he's moving his body to move or pick things up. How many times has he not been able to pick up/play/ be with the girls because of this is so tiring to me and I also get angry at him for this, not even thinking of him and his pain but I instead find myself thinking how selfish it is of him, that it can't hurt that bad to not be able to pick up and/or play with his babies (I know ridiculous of me to even think that!!) So I understand how you feel. I hate hate being the "single mom" while he's having to lay down and rest on our time off together as a family. But more so I hope that Gabe gets better soon!!! {{{hugs}}}

SARAH said...

@DM's Mommy: Thank you for asking. Today has started well. I can appreciate what you are saying and what it sounds like you went through. I try to remember each day that we are all just doing the best that we can; myself and my husband included.

@Laura: Thank you for posting this. It feels so good to know that I'm not alone in how I feel (even though I'm not proud of feeling this way). I didn't know that about Jason, but now I can see that you know exactly how this feels. Like, the whole "it can't hurt that bad" is so me all the time. It's so rude that I would even question his pain or his honesty with pain but I think it also boils down to men being babies when they are sick/hurting. It can be hard to take it seriously all the time.
I'm working on this. Thank you so much for sharing. It made me smile. love you.

Laura said...

Love you Sarah and so grateful for our friendship :) (men are the biggest babies for sure haaha)