shaken

I don't know where to start so I just will.

The feelings are overwhelming.  I'm here in a town I lived in for the past 10 years, and I feel lost.

I see glimpses of my old life and the tears begin.  Why does this visit feel so hard?  Why does it seem to be a constant reminder of all that we had and all that did not work.

The timing of this is another thing.  My divorce is in the final moments of becoming official; of having an actual date to remember as the day we are divorced.

Coming here, I did not even sort of anticipate any of these feelings and now they won't stop coming; one on top of another.  The friends, the family, the memories, keep coming and I can't breathe.....

I know that the fact that Gabe and I can be together to celebrate Mason turning 3 is beautiful.  We are showing our children that we keep our word.  We are demonstrating that while we don't want to be married anymore, we are kind, friendly, respectful and even happy around one another.  We are both freer this way.  But, it doesn't change how confusing it is to host a party with your soon to be ex-husband and feel like nothing has changed and that everything has changed.

I am sad tonight.  I basically went to dinner with a friend and maybe had a panic attack.  I felt clammy, nauseous, anxious and I just wanted to come home.  Now I'm here in a rented condo, down the street from a home I used to own and love and I feel heartbroken.  A lot of dreams lived in that house.  And seeing it yesterday reminded me of loss.  And it hurts.

All of this isn't to take away from our happiness in our new life.  We are all doing so well; thriving as I've written before.  But this visit has me shaken.  They say it takes an entire year to really start feeling better.  And we are at 9 months of this new life.

For now there is only room to feel the feelings and allow them for what they are.