Tuesday, March 31, 2009
That's where I'm at; the Verge. The fact that I attempt to manage it all so effortlessly is not working. It takes a great deal of effort to keep things going and for the past few days (probably longer if you ask Gabe) I've begun to feel frustrated. Or maybe it's impatience that I feel. Probably a bit of both. See this is the week. The one week anniversary of when our lives changed. They say that relapsing around the one year anniversary is high for some reason and I suppose that goes for spouses in recovery as well. Relapse. Right back to all my old ways. The irritable, deep sighing, bone tired me. The me that I don't like at all. That's tough to admit. To say out loud that I don't like me. I'm really struggling with this right now. Can't seem to turn my mind off of the way I want to be vs. the way I really am. And, don't get me wrong-perfection is not what I'm seeking. But a sort of manageability would be nice. It just goes to show you that recovery is HARD. That whole "no one said it was going to be easy" line comes to mind. It's hard because change is tough and it ain't instant; it's takes a while and clearly longer than one year. So, here I am a year later and while I'm sure those around me could name ways I've changed, it's hard for me to see it myself. And, I don't even think that I'm that critical of me! Who knows... Regardless, that's where I am. The Verge of figuring stuff out while learning that there's so much more to know. The knowing that I'm too hard on myself but still expecting to be better. The beginning of another year of sobriety and all that it will entail. Our wedding anniversary is next week so in a lot of ways it's the beginning of another year of marriage too; and if we can make it through what we've already conquered, I'd say we'll be just fine.