Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Verge

That's where I'm at; the Verge. The fact that I attempt to manage it all so effortlessly is not working. It takes a great deal of effort to keep things going and for the past few days (probably longer if you ask Gabe) I've begun to feel frustrated. Or maybe it's impatience that I feel. Probably a bit of both. See this is the week. The one week anniversary of when our lives changed. They say that relapsing around the one year anniversary is high for some reason and I suppose that goes for spouses in recovery as well. Relapse. Right back to all my old ways. The irritable, deep sighing, bone tired me. The me that I don't like at all. That's tough to admit. To say out loud that I don't like me. I'm really struggling with this right now. Can't seem to turn my mind off of the way I want to be vs. the way I really am. And, don't get me wrong-perfection is not what I'm seeking. But a sort of manageability would be nice. It just goes to show you that recovery is HARD. That whole "no one said it was going to be easy" line comes to mind. It's hard because change is tough and it ain't instant; it's takes a while and clearly longer than one year. So, here I am a year later and while I'm sure those around me could name ways I've changed, it's hard for me to see it myself. And, I don't even think that I'm that critical of me! Who knows... Regardless, that's where I am. The Verge of figuring stuff out while learning that there's so much more to know. The knowing that I'm too hard on myself but still expecting to be better. The beginning of another year of sobriety and all that it will entail. Our wedding anniversary is next week so in a lot of ways it's the beginning of another year of marriage too; and if we can make it through what we've already conquered, I'd say we'll be just fine.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Sar- I think the insight you show just in what you wrote in this post is amazing. You are fully aware of yourself, the internal struggle and still the big picture of recovery and where you want and still need to go. Like you said to me once, you definitely need to give yourself a lot of credit. While things may not seem manageable at times, you amaze me with your strength and the ability to take on everything that you do. I think that even when everything is "perfect" we will still have struggles and ups and downs. I think your self awareness is what will allow you to go to the next level of your and your family's recovery. You are an incredible person and I know that I have not said enough of that to you lately being so self consumed in my life. I want you to know that I appreciate everything you do and are to me and I know you have done some amazingly hard work over the past year. If you can, take a moment to celebrate those accomplishments and give yourself plenty of credit that you deserve! I love you to pieces. Love, Lex

Siobhan said...

Everything Alexa said and a big hug :) xxx

MOM said...

Sarah,
since Alexa already has told you how wonderful you are, it won't seem as if "I'm only saying these things because I'm your mom":)One day last week I was talking to a friend about you. I was telling her how wonderful it is to see the woman you've become from the teenager I still remember so well! One of the most wonderful things about you is your compassion for others. Your ability to quickly understand their struggles and to be available for them with good, sound advice is a true gift. I know that Gabe's recovery is up to him BUT I truly believe that having you support him - by creating a safe place for him to be honest; by attending meetings and learning about the disease; by being willing to make major life changes to support his sobriety and to do all of this while being pregnant with Gracie and giving Maddie all the love and attention she needed. Look at her! You stated an intention early on to continue to make Maddie's life as joyful as it was before Gabe's decision. And you succeeded in doing just that. There isn't a happier, funnier little girl than our Maddie and obviously, Gracie is as well! Little Miss Smiles all the time:) It is so easy for all of us to think about how hard life is when really if we look around our lives there is so much to be grateful for. I think anniversaries are a great time to reflect on the year that has passed but even more important to set some intentions for the year ahead. So much to look forward to, girls growing, learning, changing. God blessed you with a wonderful husband and you have the opportunity to continue to grow together and be real with each other because there aren't any drugs or alcohol distorting reality. What do you need for you? Sit with that question when you have a quiet moment and ask yourself what it is you need. You are the only one who can answer the question and once you get your answer, do it! Moms often take care of everyone else before remembering themselves so just make sure you are taking care of you by creating the life you desire. I am sending you hugs because that is what I would do if I were there - just hug you a lot. I love you so much and I send my congratulations to you and Gabe for the wonderful progress you've both made over this year and my absolute best wishes for continued sobriety and success. With all my love - mom

SARAH said...

Thank you, thank you. I have to say that in writing this particular post, I wasn't fishing for you all to tell me nice things about me, but after a long talk with Mom today, I realize that you want to say those things. So, thank you. It meant a lot.

Rosana V. said...

ok, i just read this post and your mom's reply, and i am choked up...thank you for stating things in such a real, honest way.