Things have been hard around here for me lately.  I have talked to some about how I'm feeling, but I usually feel like no one understands. 

The back story is the Gabe has been suffering from headaches/migraines since November.  He has been to regular doctors, chiropractor, neurologist, had an MRI, etc.  He is receiving treatment (lots of medicines) as well as nerve blocks a couple times a week (think, several to a dozen shots in his head).  Sometimes he feels better from the shots, but other times (like yesterday) he seemed to be worse.  It's very painful for him and I can see that.

But I'm struggling.

At first, I was struggling with thinking that something even more serious was going on.  I was worried and my fear took over.  I cope with fear by acting angry and distant.  It ain't pretty but it's the truth.  That's how I spent a lot of November and December. In January, I tried to change my attitude; it's one of the only things I can control and so I tried.  I also prayed.  Nonstop.  And, I felt better.  I felt more compassionate towards Gabe; towards the headaches.  I felt hopeful for the appointment with the neurologist.  I felt like maybe this would end soon and we could get back to regular life.   

Now it's almost March and he is still in pain.  Everyone I talk to asks about him.  It's nice that so many people care for him and his health. 

But, not many people think to ask about me.  About what it's like to take care of the kids all day on my own and then when Gabe walks in with a headache (and no patience for them), to explain to them (again) that he is in pain and not to have hurt feelings.  About how it feels to constantly be talking about the headaches, level of pain, meds to take, etc.  It's exhausting.  It's making me resentful.  It's also making me ashamed of how I'm feeling.  Yes, I know he's in pain.  Yes, I know it isn't about me.  But, why does it feel that way? 

I want Gabe to feel better but I also wish that I was using this opportunity to grow.  God gives us things in our lives to grow our character and faith.  I think I'm failing this one big time.  Instead of growth I choose to stay mad, annoyed, irritated and put-upon.  I want to be helpful to him and a much better listener.  But in the midst of it all, I simply cannot.  It's so very hard. 

So, I will keep plugging away.  I will stay busy with the kiddos and try not to take Gabe's impatience or bad attitude to heart.  I will pray and read and zone out on reality TV.  I will eat salads but also chocolate because that just does the trick sometimes.  I will be at therapy (individual and group) every week because that keeps me sane.  Most importantly, I will take care of me while taking care of everyone else. 

MJ: The Man on the Move

MJ at 7.5 months from Sarah Mejias on Vimeo.


My Movie from Sarah Mejias on Vimeo.

February 2013: It's been a BIG month :)

Grace Celeste

Gracie

February 2013

4.5 years old

 I've been thinking about Grace a lot lately.  She's the middle kid.  In fact, we watched a Brady Bunch episode last night as a family all about Jan being the middle child; how she feels invisible. 

If you know Grace, she is anything but invisible.  Her clothes are always her own choice and they stand out!  It's very Grace-like. 

I don't ever want to be over-looking her.  I can see how it happens; Maddie is really figuring out reading and Mason is on the verge of walking.  So a lot of attention goes to them.  But Grace has incredible qualities and I see them everyday.

She is naturally creative.  She loves drawing and cooking.  She reserves her love; but once she accepts you, her love is very powerful.  The girl is funny.  A silly sense of humor and a language all her own.  She changes clothes at least once a day ( I did this as a child) and she LOVES tights.  Every outfit includes tights.  I love to cuddle her and watch cooking shows on Saturday mornings.  She is the only kid I do this with.  It is on my top 10 list of favorite things to do.  She is an amazing little sister and an equally amazing big sister; she has the best of both worlds.  She has a hard time accepting compliments; she deflects them by acting out in the opposite way.  Many have said she's an "old soul" and I believe this to be true. 

I love her so very much and never want her to feel invisible.  So today, I make a point of seeing her; really seeing her.  And my gratitude for this little girl pours out.

MJ's Dedication

February 3, 2013

7 months old

Today was such a special day for us.  Mason was dedicated at our church and so many friends and family members came to help us celebrate.  It was so neat to hear and see how loved MJ truly is and how blessed we feel to have him in our family.  The girls looked beautiful in their new dresses and shoes and acted like perfect ladies on stage with us.  

*To see the whole album, click here.

  Mason's Dedication from Sarah Mejias on Vimeo.

Madeline

Today, it happened.  It finally happened.  She lost her first tooth.  The girls were playing outside over at a neighbors house and I walked over with MJ to get them so we could go somewhere.  As I was talking with another mom, I heard Maddie saying "Oh my gosh!! I.JUST.LOST.MY.FIRST.TOOTH.!!!!!!"
She was ecstatic.  It seems like every day (for the last month) we've been having discussions about what she could possibly eat to make it fall out.  Today we learned the answer.  It was a marshmallow :-)

Us, in the New Year

These pictures pretty much sum up the past 2 weeks.  It's 2013 and life is good!!!

MJ at 6 months!!!

IMG 0940 from Sarah Mejias on Vimeo.

I need to write today.  This overwhelming feeling of sadness and grief over the Sandy Hook Elementary School shootings has really gotten to me.  I feel depressed.

The thoughts keep returning; every time I look at Maddie.  She is 6 years old.  She is in Kindergarten.  She went to school Friday, with excitement and joy.  It breaks my heart that there are mothers right now who can no longer say "Good Morning" to their children.  I cannot fathom it.

So, I live in a bit of denial by keeping super busy, not watching too much news, and listening to uplifting Christmas music in the car.  But, I keep thinking of them.  Those children.  Those teachers. 

I felt scared to let Maddie go today.  We drove over to school and I prayed out loud for her and her safety.  I pray for her a lot on the way to school each day, but of course today it felt necessary.  She is so unaware of this tragedy.  She is excited for Christmas, and library today, and her sandwich with a new flavor of jam.  She is light, carefree and happy.  It's all a mother could want. 

I am trying to do as my Mom suggested; "lean into" my faith.  It is hard in moments like these.  I have cried each day while praying for God to please bring peace.  I've prayed that I cannot understand this; I've been angry with Him.  I've pleaded for a change in this world.  I went to church yesterday and prayed that our nation would sense a healing that only He can bring. 

Today, life continues on.  I will keep putting one foot in front of the other.  I will keep praying silently, out loud and with tears.  I will keep my faith.  That is really all I can do...

Christmas Time!!!!

Griswold has nothing on us!

Thankful Tree Finale!

Some of Maddie's "Favorite Things"

Mason is 5 months old today!!!

  IMG 0774 from Sarah Mejias on Vimeo.

 So, today is pretty special because MJ is 5 months old and Elisabeth is in labor!!!!  I'm so excited for this day :)

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

As a family, we begin on the 1st of November using our "Grateful/Thankful Tree."  I will post a picture of it when we are finished on the 30th.  It's something we've been using since 2008 (I think) and I just love the things everyone comes up with.  It's very sweet and such a good practice in gratitude.   
Today I am grateful for so much.  For my husband, children, family and friends.  For our health, our home and plenty of food & clothes.  Basically everything.  We have so much.  More than we need, that's for sure.  So today my goal is just to be present and mindful.  I want to focus on them and me enjoying them.  Happy Thanksgiving!

Perfection

There is so much I want to write.

But, I want it to be....perfect.  That is one of my hardest struggles.  The idea that in order to do something, I need to do it perfectly (or at least work really hard to have it appear that way).

Lately I read two of Anne Lamott's books, Some Assembly Required and Operating Instructions.  Both are fabulous, by the way.  One is about her experience as a grandmother and the other is about her experience as a mother.  She is my favorite author and there is just so much wisdom in what she writes.  But above all else, when I read her words, I feel okay.  It's like she has a way of describing exactly how life is (how imperfect it all really is) and being fine with that; not even fine, rejoicing in that.  She seems to be able to rejoice in her imperfections!  That is what I'm working towards.

I wasn't always this way.  I'm not sure when it started.  But at some point in my adult life, I realized that I really liked control.  I felt better when I felt in control.  It calmed my anxiety and made me feel safe.  Control is really such an illusion and is almost always about something else (fear mostly) but I've made myself believe that if I'm on top of everything, then nothing will go wrong.

I have to say that feeling that way is exhausting.  That's it.  I've gotten to the point in the last 4 months to simply realize that I'm exausted by the overwhelming need to have it all together.  I'm notcicing that this timeline coincides with having Mason.  Maybe having 3 kids is what God needed to show me that I don't have it all under my control.  But that really, He is in charge.  In one of the Lamott books she talks about those car seats that have a little steering wheel so the kid can think they are in charge of driving the car.  She says that while the child is working so hard to drive, the real driver looks in the back seat entertained by that determintation.  She likened that to us being the kid and God being the real driver.  I LOVE that.  How true!

The thought to write about perfection came to me this week when I went with my kids to a playdate at someones house I'd never been to.  When we walked in, her home was immaculate.  She had candles burning (so it smelled really nice), pillows placed just right, floor vacummed.  She is a person with a lot of energy so she began talking....and talking....and talking.  Some people do nervous talk.  They are uncomfortable so they fill the space with words.  My husband can be that way.  I'm learning to be more of a listener.  I've always been known as a talker (ie; report cards from childhood labeled me a "social butterfly.") But now I find that I want to be more of a listener.  So, I listened.  And she talked (somewhat frenetically) about laundry day on Tuesday, money she spends on her kids clothes, the size of her small home, etc.  But, as I listened I noticed that she basically talked about perfection.  About her need to have the dishes completely done, laundry put away, house mopped in order to feel okay.  And I TOTALLY GOT IT.

That has been me.  For quite some time. I have stressed about the stuff that doesn't matter.  I have been overly consumed with having my home be just right.  I have freaked out before having people over because the kids are eating crackers like chimpmunks in a room I just vacummed.  I get it.  I have totally been a Martha when I need to just be a Mary (see Luke 10:38-42).  Mary was in the moment, concentrating on her guest and serving.  She was not worried about the appearance of things.  Martha was missing the whole thing because she was cleaning!  That is such a good parable for me.

I don't want to miss this.  To miss this crazy time of having a 6 year old, 4 year old, and 4 month old. I want to enjoy the moments, all of them. Even the ones that involve crumbs.  I also want to let go.  Let go of the appearance of things, of me, of everything.  Don't get me wrong.  I still want to look nice, but I don't want all emphasis to be on the outside stuff.  I've been working so hard on my inside stuff for years now.  I think all that work is finally producing some fruit.  I think I'm beginning to be okay with myself.  Which, by the way, is really, really difficult.

I'm glad that I've shared this this morning.  My home has been quite quiet.  The girls are away with Gabe and it's just Mason, me and the dogs.  It's given me the time to blog and to reflect.  I know I'm not perfect.  None of us are.  And I want that to be okay.  But, since I am human, I'm pretty sure I will vacuum again today :)

Part 2 :)

                  We had a blast.  Mason slept through the whole thing!!!  Fun was had by all :-)

Happy Halloweeen!!!

Family

My heart aches just looking at these pictures.  It captures all of them right now, just as they are.  They are my my world.  My family.  It's crazy for me to think that God believes I deserve all of them.  They are so wonderful in all different ways.  Today I'm just extremely grateful for each and every one of them.

Maddie at age 6

I simply love everything about this.  Except for how long it took me to spell every single word she wrote down.  I have to point out that my favorite part is that her favorite pastime is "relaxing."  She's definitely in the right family! :-)

Mason James at 17 weeks

IMG 0632 from Sarah Mejias on Vimeo.

Silly Grace

IMG 0561 from Sarah Mejias on Vimeo.

Dearest Madeline,
  
    Today was your 6th birthday and you were sick :(  You had a fever in the middle of the night and because of that, you missed school today.  We hung around the house together and watched a lot of "Barbie and the Popstar." 
    I have to say that in a way I'm glad you were sick today.  It meant I got to have you home and all to myself.  I've missed you a lot since you started Kindergarten.  I know how much you love school and that makes me happy.  But there have been times in these last few weeks that I have deeply missed you.  Let's face it, for a while it was pretty much just me and you.  You were my side-kick.  You were my bud.  We had so much freedom, just the two of us.  It was pretty special.  (Just for the record you are still all of those things to me; it's just a little different now).
   Several times today you told me things like "I'm lucky I got you for a Mom," or "I love you so much," or "You're the best Mom anyone could ask for."  Honestly, I think I'm the lucky one.  Lucky that God knew exactly what I needed when he gave me you.  You have been such a light in my life, Maddie.  I'm always proud of you; like all the time.  Your heart mystifies me; it's the most loving and forgiving heart around.  You teach me constantly. 
  So, on your 6th birthday, now that you are all tucked into bed on the top bunk, I want to say thank you.  Thank you for being so brave with your emotions and your love.  Thank you for being an awesome big sister to Gracie and MJ (they really look up to you).  Thank you for being sweet, goofy, smiley you.
  But mostly, I hope that some day I can truly live up to the person you see me as.  I love you Maddie.

Love,
Mommy

$37.85

Today was a beautiful day.


Only, not in the traditional sense that would be based on weather.  I caught a glimpse of something majestic.


Gabe and I met at the grocery store while Maddie and Gracie were at school.  It was a very rainy day and he had time to meet me there and lighten my load with the baby and all.  We shopped around finding everything we needed and many things we didn't.  We threw it all in the cart without a thought. 

At the deli counter we were behind a man who was probably our age.  The deli lady was having some long convo with the lady in front of him and it was all I could do not to say something.  I had so many thoughts running through my head; things like: "terrible customer service", "the deli lady has an awful attitude",  "why do I live in Virginia?
You get the drift.

So, Gabe and I finished our shopping and proceeded to the check out.  There was only 1 guy in line so I chose that lane.  As we were loading our groceries on the belt, I realized the man in front of us was the same guy we had been behind at the deli.  I could tell there was something going on.  The manager was being asked questions by the clerk about "voiding, or holding the transaction until he could make a call about his card."  I knew what was happening.  The man had a look of shock and worry on his face.  He seemed to be saying "Can I afford food?" without speaking.  It struck my heart.

So, my inner voice (aka The Holy Spirit) said that we should offer to pay for this man's groceries.  His total was $37.85.  But then another voice came in saying that "he would be offended if we offered to pay."  I felt stuck.  So I didn't do anything.  Didn't say anything to Gabe, didn't think about it again.  I just sort of froze. 

In that moment, while the man was down about 10 lanes from us, making a call to his credit card company, Gabe spoke up to our clerk and the manager and said, "I'll pay for his groceries."  The looks on their faces were priceless.  They told Gabe he didn't have to do that, etc. etc. but Gabe responded "I'd like to pay for his groceries." The clerk in the next lane overheard what was happening and started talking about us "being a blessing" to this man.  

So, the clerk proceeded to add up our groceries with his and gave us our grand total which we paid.  By then the man was off the phone and walking towards his cart.  The clerk told him we had paid for his food and he was SO very, very thankful.  He reached out and grabbed Gabe's hand with both of his.  He shook it over and over and said "Thank you" while looking deep into his eyes the whole time. 

I had tears in my eyes at the sight of this. 

I've always known the kind of man Gabe is.  He is very loving, a good provider and a wonderful hands-on dad.  I know his political beliefs (don't we all? ;) and his faith is secure.  But honestly, he humbled me by his actions today.  He saw a need that he could meet and he stepped out in faith to help someone who was down on their luck.  Isn't that the point of it all??????  I had the same thought as him, but I let doubt and fear tamper it down to where I did nothing. 

I feel like I re-fell in love with him today at the supermarket.  I was reminded of how big his heart is and how lucky I am to call him my husband.